I’m Only Kidding: Or Am I?
This break-up survival guide will mend your little broken heart in no time… or not.
- Delete his number from your phone. Even though you already have it memorized, this will make it slightly more challenging for you to drunk call/text him. Also, in the slim chance that he actually texts you first, be sure to respond with “Who is this?”
- Delete him on Facebook…but make sure at least 1 of your best friends is still friends with him on FB. That way you can still see all of his stuff in those desperate times when your psychotic little mind needs it’s fix.
- Convince yourself that you FUCKING LOVE YOUR LIFE— then be sure to post mass amounts of evidence on social media sites such as Instagram and Facebook—Post lots of pictures with members of the opposite sex with captions like “He’s the best” or “So lucky.”
- Make the ultimate Break-Up Playlist. Part I is filled with the absolute SADDEST music you can find. Emo bands from middle school like Dashboard Confessionals and Secondhand Serenade resurface from the depths of your iTunes to ensure you make the most of your loneliness. Part II is comprised with every empowering ass-kicking song ever written including Survivor by Destiny’s Child, Fighter by Christina Aguilera, and of course Since You Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson.
- Text all of the exes, crushes, flirting acquaintances you’ve had in the past 3 years with something like “Hey you,” or “Hey stranger.” Then proceed to reconnect via snapchat and fill their feed with countless suggestive selfies so they’re forced to compliment you on your looks. You may then proceed to sext.
- TINDER. Tinder. Tinder. Tinder. Swipe Yes to at least 1 out of every 10 guys. This way you’ll have more guys giving you attention, which will boost your rapidly depleting self-esteem.
- Cover your tracks. Make sure to maintain a good relationship with at least one of his close friends. That way you can get tid bits of information from them without them ever realizing that you’re basically just a stalker.
- Recommit yourself to the idea that true love never dies by watching movies like A Walk To Remember, My Girl, The Notebook, and screw it — throw in Titanic while you’re at it. Then, bawl your eyes out. Go ahead, it’s not like you haven’t been crying yourself to sleep every night for the past 19 days anyways. A few more tears won’t kill ya.
- Cry to your girlfriends about your break up. Try to do this one-on-one with your friends so you have that many more opportunities to talk about it. When your friends tell you to move on, ignore any logical explanation or rational thought, and listen only to your heart.
10. GET LAID–Girls night WOOT WOOT! Wear your favorite stripper heels and lure some poor drunk bastard into bed with you. Assuming you can get through the entire episode without weeping or contracting herpes, it’s a win- you go girl.